A sense of humor is a great asset for a building product sales rep. A good joke can help thaw a cold prospect, defuse a tense negotiation, and salve your wounds.
I have found an excellent trove of jokes about engineers at www.inflection-point.com/jokes.php
. Most of them work just as well if you exchange "architect" or "contractor" for "engineer."
Here are a few examples that I hope you enjoy:
A New Element Discovered!
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes reorganization. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass." You will know it when you see it...
An enthusiastic but somewhat unscrupulous salesman was waiting to see the purchasing agent of an engineering firm. The salesman was there to submit his company's bid, or price quote, for a particular job. He couldn't help but notice, however, that a competitor's bid was on the purchasing agent's desk. Unfortunately, the actual figure was covered by a juice can.
The temptation to see the amount quoted became too much, and the salesman reached over and lifted the can. His heart sank as he watched thousands of BB pellets pour from the bottomless can and scatter across the floor.
How to Find the Height of a Building
An engineering student, a Physics student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 and were told to use the money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and got some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the building's roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"
Not Obsolete Yet...
John was well respected for his engineering knowledge. When a new computer system was put in to help with the engineering duties, the brass at the company was given a demonstration of the new systems abilities. To give the computer as test, the brass asked the computer a solve a difficult engineering equation. The computer promptly responded back with the perfect answer, "Ask John."
Building a Fence
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
Arguing with an Engineer
Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, when faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Three men are sentenced to death for various crimes against a mythical and oppressive state. One is a priest, another is a drunkard and the third is an engineer.
The first to face the executioner is the priest. When asked if he wanted to lie face down or face up on the guillotine, he said, "I'll lie face up! I have nothing to fear. The Lord is on my side!" So he lay on his back and faced the razor-sharp blade. When it was released, the blade fell half way and stopped. The executioner exclaimed, "This must be divine intervention. You are pardoned, and you may leave."
The next was the drunkard. When asked the same question, he chose to lie face up like the priest, saying, "I'm a drunk, not an idiot!" So he lay on his back too, facing the sharp blade as the sun glinted off its keen edge. Again, the blade fell only half way and stopped. The executioner exclaimed, "The Lord is generous today. You are pardoned, and you may also leave."
Finally, it was time for the engineer. He also chose to lie on his back. After all, it seemed that was the lucky thing to do that day. He lay on his back looking up at the heavy blade tensing against the rope. Just before the blade was let loose, he shouted, "Wait! I think I see the problem!"
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
The next one lets the engineer be the hero, and give marketing consultants like Chusid Associates a once-over.
Sales and Marketing Experts
A group of Sales and Marketing experts were given the assignment of measuring the height of a flagpole. Wearing suits and ties, they marched out to the flagpole with their ladders and tape measures, falling all over themselves to get an accurate reading.
An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat on the ground, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the so-called experts, puts the pole back vertically into its slot in the ground and walks away.
After the Engineer has gone, the sales guy turns to a marketing guy and laughs. "Isn't that just like an Engineer?" he says. "We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"
Add your favorite joke in the comments, below.